The emotional stress surrounding a divorce is difficult enough for couples, but the added challenge of explaining it to children makes the situation even more overwhelming. You may want to be completely honest with your kids – and that’s how it should be – but you must also frame the topic in terms they can understand. Here is how you can help your children cope with your divorce in the healthiest way possible.
Take the Gentle Approach When Explaining Divorce To Your Child
It’s ideal if both parents can break the news as a couple. In other words, have the initial talk you’re your divorce together as calmly as possible. This will present a united front and help show your love and support. Be sure to tell your kids you are getting divorced before the last minute.
Also, you may find yourself slipping into a long explanation about why you are divorcing your ex-spouse, which may confuse your child. Skin the reasons behind your breaking up, as it might indicate to your child that they are the cause of the divorce or need to fix the problem.
Instead, tell them calmly that sometimes adults don’t want to live together anymore. You don’t need to go into details such as not loving each other any longer or the other parent cheating on you.
But remember to emphasize that even though you and your spouse will live in different houses from now on, you will always love and protect your children. Let them know that it was an adult decision and is in no way their fault. If your child is young, try to use short and simple phrases that are easy for them to grasp.
6 Ways You Can Help Your Child Adjust To the Life After Divorce
Once you have shared the news of your separation with your kid, here’s what you could do:
Maintain the same routines: Making sure that your child’s mealtimes and bedtime hours remain unchanged can go a long way in giving them much-needed stability. Keeping their daily routines intact will help them feel safe and calm.
Keep an eye on their reactions: As they express themselves, listen carefully and let them know it’s okay to feel sad or mad. If your child is old enough, it might be a salient idea for them to talk to a counselor; a neutral adult can offer them a safe space to share their feelings about what’s happening.
Encourage them to be independent: You may want to pamper your child during this challenging time, but giving them a chance to show off their big-boy or big-girl skills is better. Whether choosing their own outfit or brushing their teeth, these small acts can instill confidence in them and help them get through the monumental transition.
Do not play the blame game: Avoid criticizing your ex-spouse in front of your child to try to sway them to “your side.” Children should never be put in the middle of parental separation, as this can emotionally damage them.
Take care of yourself: If your children see you shutting down, overeating, or drinking too much to cope with the divorce, they might get scared or develop behavioral issues. It’s incredibly vital that you take care of yourself and display inner strength at this time. It will help your child feel protected and supported.
Do not overspend on toys: Many parents feel guilt when deciding to divorce, leading to overspending on toys, pets, and big vacations. Even though this is coming from a happy place, it actually does more harm than good because it sets the example that throwing money around solves problems.
As hard as divorce is for you, know that it’s even more challenging for your kids, so be patient with them. Following these tips and getting the help and support you need to make the transition easier. To summarize it again, as parents, you can help your children through this challenging time by:
- Minimizing the disruptions to a child’s daily routine
- Keeping heated discussions, visible conflicts, and legal talk away from them
- Limit the blame and negativity to conversations with friends outside the home or private therapy sessions
- Keep the other parent involved in your child’s life (unless, of course, they are abusive or a danger to you and your child)
While going through a divorce, you certainly need support – from friends and family members, apart from a trusted and seasoned divorce lawyer. But seeking or expecting support from your minor children is rarely prudent. Remember, it’s not their job to care for you or help you sort through your emotions. Have faith and know that with time, you and your children will adjust to the new life.
